HOSPITAL INTERIOR: Dr. H. Paulson sits at his desk, examining charts. Vikram PANDIT, a Super Bowl-winning wide receiver, enters, hobbling, his hand clutched to his thigh.
PANDIT: Dr. Paulson! Just the man I wanted to see!
PAULSON: What seems to be the problem here? [Double take as he recognizes the famed WR] Oh my goodness! Are you Vikram Pandit?
PANDIT: Yeah, playa! You see this ring? [Flashes gleaming Super Bowl ring, denoting wealth and status]
PAULSON: [Startled] You’re bleeding! How did this happen?
PANDIT: Well, I was at the club, and, well… some unprecedented market conditions went down, and, well… the result is I got shot.
PAULSON: Oh, well, clearly.
PANDIT: C’mon Paulson, get movin! Where’s my bailout at? Stitch me up, beeatch!
PAULSON: Well, the law requires me to go through certain constitutional procedures before I stitch you up…
PANDIT: “Bleep” THAT! We need to keep this on the DL, so I maintain my competitive position against the Germans and Swiss.
PAULSON: [Getting agitated] Actually, I’m not sure that’s legal…
PANDIT: “Bleep” legal, I’m BLEEDING dammit.
PAULSON: [Alarmed] I guess you’re right. [Bellows] NURSE!
Bearded male nurse enters, groveling, whimpering a bit
NURSE BERNANKE: [Meekly] Yes, Dr. Paulson?
PAULSON: [Panicking] Can’t you see this man is bleeding?! Get some “bleepin” gauze and stuff, stat!
NURSE BERNANKE: [Calm, but uncertain] But… but… how did this happen?
PAULSON: [Yelling at the poor nurse] Unprecedented market conditions, goddammit! Just “bleepin” do your job!
NURSE BERNANKE: Well, hold on.. . That doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Most people don’t just get shot because of “unprecedented conditions” – don’t you think we should ask a few more questions?
PAULSON: [Really panicking now] NO! Dammit, this is critical!
NURSE BERNANKE: OK, I’ll call the proper authorities, as we are required by law to do.
PAULSON and PANDIT [unison]: “BLEEP” THAT!
NURSE BERNANKE: [Meekly] Ummm, ok, ok. I’ll do it. [He shudders to himself, shaking his head, disgusted at what he has become.]
END
